Negative Visualization

I experimented today during my walk and meditation. I’ve taken interest at times to different practices and beliefs of the Stoic (Wikipedia) philosophy. I feel like Meditations by Marcus Aurelius really made the rounds a year or two ago amongst young millennial / gen z guys.

One of the standout practices to me is “futurorum malorum præmeditatio”, or negative visualization (Wikipedia). It is believed to help with your resilience and gratitude. You imagine a bad scenario, losing something or someone dear to you. The reality of impermanence is brought forward intentionally in your mind.

While sitting on the special meditation rock, I tried my darndest to simply take in the view. I thought to myself, “man, I will really miss this place”. I know it will be gone eventually. Its either bulldozed to erect a wonderful office building, or I move to a faraway land. I’m not a pessimist. I think this is just a fact of life. Eventually, we all get check-mated. Including the sitting rock.

The view from the sitting rock. Landscape overlooking the Salt Lake Basin.

A Turn of Perspective

I caught myself. I wondered at all the times I, and others, use phrases like

“I’m so excited for __ …”

or

“I’m going to miss __ …”

or

“I’m not looking forward to __ …”

All living for the future.

Why don’t I state how much I am enjoying the present moment? These are all futures that don’t exist. They never will! Have I ever heard of someone pulling some future wish down to the present? The future is merely an idea in my head. Once I get to that future, its never what I thought exactly. Half of the time, I get to the future moment and am looking to the next one, not even enjoying the one I was really banking on enjoying. What a shame!

So instead, I thought to the sitting rock that I really enjoyed its company. I was grateful for the seat.

Love & Loss

I then had an unexpected experience.

I sort of intuitively combined the Buddhist practice of Metta with the stoic’s negative visualization.

I imagined losing my life partner. The love of my life. What that would be like, being there as she left me here. Alone to hold things together. It was vague, the timeline wasn’t very clear, would this be from old age or some early life health complication, I wasn’t sure. But the feeling of loss I felt got very deep. I breathed in and out, trying to stay with the feeling. I could feel tears pricking at the corners of my eyes. I persisted with the sensation. Then, I cried.

I don’t recall ever willfully imagining a loss so profound, solely in my mind.

Breathing with this sensation, I realized that sadness was not exactly what I was feeling.

The loss was coupled with love. A love as deep as the sorrow. Like the two sides of your hand: one side clenches and the other releases, vice versa.

Gratitude

I’m not claiming to be some wild guru, I don’t really know what I’m doing with mindfulness considering my lack of time in the saddle. But this was an experience unlike I have ever had in a “spiritual” sense.

I don’t know how to describe it, but the sensation of love and loss resonated in me. Realizing that they are almost one in the same.

I came home from that experience light on my feet. Giddy and grateful to get to kiss the love of my life, to see her as she is, and have another day to enjoy being with her.

I will certainly try to make the time to imagine terrible things more often 😉