It is for each man to learn to listen, then to lead with their best judgement.

It is for each woman to recognize and validate that which they have always known.

Mandates Expanded

I had roughly these thoughts today at some point while stewing on my reading of Iron John (Wikipedia) by Robert Bly (Wikipedia). Obviously, I don’t claim to say that this is an absolute for absolutely every man and woman. But it is what I think is true of myself, and the men and women I know intimately.

I thought I’d write it down in case it provided any sort of clarity to myself or others down the road.

On Men and Me

I think for myself, as a man, I have learned from my upbringing and my environment an incredible amount of softness and passivity. Deference, kindness, compassion, traits my mother and sisters all taught me.

None of these are bad traits to have as a man. But I believe I lack many traits you might hope to find in a man.

One example: Leadership.

my thoughts
Well it’s rude to tell women what to do, wrong in fact. Especially so in my most intimate relationship. We as men must respect and believe women, because so few do, and so many are pigs. And what do I do when mine and my partner’s opinions are at odds? Forcing my way of thinking onto her seems only a stone’s throw from forcing my body onto her. So out with what I want.

Effectively, I can never make a decision without weighing my partner’s opinion with greater gravity than my own. Which can make me become simply a shadow.

I must say, my partner would be horrified to know anytime this happens. She is loath to obligate me to anything, even chores around the house. But, alas, this is a self-defeating thought process I have had many times.

How can a man lead in a world where it is mistaken for coercion? If the leader of our country is anything to go off of, the answer is not to. Don’t lead your country, deceive it. Create a fog of lies and a web of phantoms so thick nobody feels the desire to wade through and find the truth. And sit right in the middle of it all. Small, still a boy underneath the pressed suits and cocktails. Limp, ducking under blame and consequence never standing for anything.

It seems evident to me that the “soft man”1 our culture has produced (in me and many of my kin) comes at a cost. We are so extremely tolerant of his despicable behavior. I do not feel that the “wild man”2 would put up with such abuse. This is where the soft man is being exploited and taken advantage of in our society.

I hope to welcome more of my wild man. Taking risks, hunting prey, providing safety and peace for my family.

I feel that I have much to say about the woman’s aspect, and probably have said much to get torched on internet spheres, but I hope to merely express what I am thinking about. If I am flawed, please tell me so. I hope to always open my ears to dissent and hear truth wherever I find it.

Posting now so there is something rather than nothing :)

  1. Robert Bly covers the idea of the soft man coming to prominence post Industrial Revolution. Men and boys stopped working side-by-side, and instead boys were raised predominantly by their mothers. I find this line of thinking and this shift in boyhood fascinating. I recommend Iron John even though I am only 30 pages in. I’m sure I will have a lot to say here as I continue. ↩︎

  2. Also a Robert Bly-ism found in Iron John. Essentially the wild man points to the raw, the wet, the untapped core of a man. Not a savage brute, but a shaman, woodsman, or king. ↩︎